Today one of my contributions to our adoption of Abby was to take and fail (again) the test for my last required on-line education course. Good grief, this is embarrassing. All 5 of the other tests I got a 100% on the first try. Each time I try THIS exam, however, I only get an automated response that one or more of my answers is incorrect--the problem is I don't know WHICH ONE!!
The other major accomplishment was to print off two more copies of both required medical forms and take them to my doctor's office. When I explained to the gal at the front desk why I was there, she smiled and said the doctor was pretty sure she'd have to do them over because somehow they got coffee spilled on them. Apparently they'd tried to get hold of me on Friday but couldn't for some reason. (Oh, maybe because I was up in the South Hills where there is zilcho reception.)
How am I feeling today? I'm sorry and ashamed to say that my main emotion is fear. I'm worried because we need quite a bit of money (I think about $5000) within the next few weeks and I just cannot think of any clever ideas for fund-raising. I'm afraid because Abby will be 9 next month and I've always done better with preschoolers. I'm afraid she won't like me. I'm afraid of bonding problems. I'm concerned because when I look at her picture I see a beautiful young lady but I don't have an overwhelming maternal feeling toward her. (To be fair, I really didn't have a strong emotional tie to Steven's photo either and I love him dearly now so I know this isn't a make-or-break issue) I'm still uneasy about Kevin's job. When business is slow, he doesn't get all of the hours he needs. (Though Praise the Lord, he has had some better weeks lately. Thanks to everyone who has been praying.)
The Bible verse that comes to mind is "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in thee." I love that the verse doesn't start with a condemning sermon about why as a Christian I should never be fearful. It just accepts the sad fact that I am afraid and lets me know what to do about it. I am so thankful that our awesome God remains firmly in control and rightfully enthroned in spite of my changing, fickle feelings.
I am also feeling hopeful.