I am so sorry I haven't blogged for such a long time. We have gone through an extremely perplexing time for the last two months. When--after much prayer and discussion and a major financial miracle--it seemed we were just minutes from being matched with an adorable little girl from Reece's Rainbow, my husband came home with the news he had lost his job of 9 1/2 years in a way that I felt was majorly unfair. Obviously that brought our adoption dreams to a screeching halt--kind of like running into a steel-reinforced concrete wall at full speed.
I don't think I can adequately express the array of emotions I have felt: intense, gut-wrenching grief, bargaining, loss, anger, desire for revenge, depression, hopelessness, aimlessness, confusion, fear, embarrassment, jealousy--yep, I've experienced them all, and then some. Three employment opportunities that looked quite promising have fallen through. Yes, God has most definitely been with us through it all and has taken care of our needs in most amazing ways. We are actually less in debt than we were before Kevin lost his job!! Our Heavenly Father has promised never to leave us, never to forsake us--and He never, ever lies. Yet the pathway has been very painful--and confusing. Thankfully, Kevin started work again today.
I do not understand why both of us (and our children) felt the call to another adoption. Though frightened about our abilities to meet the needs of our new daughter and about how to make it happen financially, we prayerfully and obediently (we thought) decided to cautiously walk through open doors. I do not understand why the "door" to commitment seemed to be thrown so widely open with exuberance and then SLAMMED so tightly with such malice--within less than an hour of each other. Honestly I have never been so perplexed by anything in my whole life. At this moment two months later I still cannot make sense of it.
HOWEVER I must remind myself that God is not at all perplexed. He is weaving a intricate design with all this tangle of thread textures and colors and someday--maybe not until heaven--He will reveal His beautiful masterpiece. As our pastor reminded us in church yesterday "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" II Corinthians 4:8,9
So Jesus, today I must choose to "praise you because of who you are, not for all the mighty things that you have done; and I worship you because of who you are, you're all the reason that I need to voice my praise, because of who you are" (Sorry, I can't remember who used to sing this song [Imperials?--probably from my college days]--so I may not be quoting it exactly) You are risen and you ever live to make intercession for me. You totally understand my perplexity but you are not chained to it or knocked unconscious under the weight of it. You are GOD, you are LORD, you are ALIVE and I can trust my life--and my perplexity--to you.